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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?