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Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.