Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me