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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.