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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".