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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.