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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone