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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!