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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.