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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.