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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?