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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.