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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.