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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.