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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"