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There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.