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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
You look like I need another drink
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
Can I get likes for no reason?