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What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number