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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.