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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.