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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.