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Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.