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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?