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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
when in Rome get naked ;)
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.