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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!