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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.