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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation