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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.