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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.