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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.