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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.