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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.