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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.