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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner