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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"