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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."