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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I have off-road rage, too
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.