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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.