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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?