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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.