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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.