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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Do you really have to breath that much?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.