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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.