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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.