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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.