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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I`m tired of things costing money
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....
Home is where the alcohol is.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....