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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.