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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.