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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.