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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF