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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.