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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
?-- that guy is cute ?
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Warning: I just get weirder.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.