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Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."