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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
I play hard to get along with.