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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.