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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?