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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.