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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."