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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you