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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying