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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.