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I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.