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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
We get it poets: things are like other things
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.