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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.