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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I fake my LOLs
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate