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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?