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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I just ran a .003048K
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial