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I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.