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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(