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You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!