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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.