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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.