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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on