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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.