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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.